With the holiday season upon us, let’s talk about how you can keep your relationship connected and strong. Holidays can put a strain on even the strongest couples. Finances, family obligations, and individual expectations, are just a few of the things that can create stress in a relationship. As a Couples Therapist in Pasadena I encourage couples to do these things as a regular part of their daily lives, but during times of stress, they are especially important.

1 . Communicate. This might seem obvious, but for many couples, the holidays often bring up difficult conversations, and sometimes we keep things to ourselves to avoid the discomfort. The problem that arises when we don’t communicate, is that we have very little chance of getting what we want, and a high likelihood of building resentment. This holiday season, talk to your partner about your expectations, plans, family obligations (and how/when/where/with whom to spend your time), money/spending, and your feelings.

2. Emphasize “we”. It’s easy to get swept up with family events and obligations and consciously or unconsciously “take sides”. In many families, but particularly those which are highly enmeshed, deviating from what is expected can lead to feelings of guilt or shame. For example, a couple in which one partner’s family is accustomed to hosting Thanksgiving dinner may not accept the couple’s decision to spend the holiday on their own. They may serve up a guilt trip with a hefty side of shame. They might try to pull their adult child to their side and talk badly about the partner, as if it was the partner’s fault that the holiday is “ruined”.

Something I urge my clients to practice is adopting a mindset of “we-ness”. This simply means that as much as you love your family of origin, your marriage comes first. You are two individuals, but act as one. Your decisions are made together for the benefit of your relationship as a couple. The rest is secondary.

3. Set boundaries. This “we before them” mindset coexists nicely with the implementation of boundaries. Boundaries are essential the secure functioning of any relationship. As you adopt a “we before them” practice, you will find that boundaries are unavoidable. This might mean that you decide as a couple to have Thanksgiving dinner at your mother in law’s house, but you’ll be leaving at a time that you and your partner agreed on beforehand. It might look like saying no to some of the Christmas party invitations because you know that your partner’s social meter is on empty. Prioritizing your relationship and your partner’s well-being over the expectations of friends and family members can be really hard, but it’s also an important way to show up for one another.

4. Make time for your relationship. It’s easy to get swept up in the holiday hustle and bustle. Be sure to schedule some time on your calendar for your relationship. What’s the point in making time for everyone else if it leaves you too depleted to connect with your partner? This is the perfect time for what Dr. Gottman calls the “State of The Union Meeting” (Panganiban, 2021 March 25) which is a weekly relationship check in. Making time for one another might mean skipping the office Christmas party and having a cozy night in or doing some holiday shopping together. Some couples take this a step further by deciding to take a little holiday getaway together. Whatever works for you and your partner, just be intentional about prioritizing your relationship.

5. Compromise. A cornerstone for a healthy relationship is compromise, and during the holidays this may be trickier than usual. Your partner wants to order a holiday dinner, you prefer a home cooked meal. Your partner thinks exchanging gifts with the neighbors is an unnecessary expenditure, but it’s something you look forward to every year. Whatever the issue, this time of year brings plenty of opportunities for compromise. Take time to talk with your partner about why the issue is so important to you and be sure to listen to their side as well. Feeling heard and truly understood often makes people much more willing to give in a little bit, and maybe after hearing your partner’s point of view, you’ll have a change of heart as well.

I hope that you find these tips useful for your relationship during this holiday season, and every day! If you and your partner feel like you could a little extra support, ask for help! There is no better time to start working on your relationship than right now. If you’re in California, feel free to contact me for a consultation. I’d be happy to talk to you and your partner about your concerns and needs and help to get you back on track in your relationship.

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Panganiban, K. (2021, March 25). How to have a state of the Union meeting. The Gottman Institute. Retrieved November 9, 2022, from https://www.gottman.com/blog/how-to-have-a-state-of-the-union-meeting/