The Best Sex Doesn’t Start in The Bedroom
As a Couples Therapist in Pasadena, one of the most common things clients bring to me is problems with sex and intimacy. Often times there is a difference in levels of sexual desire - one partner wants sex more often than the other; partners don’t enjoy the same types of sexual interaction - one wants to use toys, the other finds it creepy; or they both agree that their sex life is just sort of “lacking” in something. When we’re working on these issues, couples are often surprised when I ask about their daily interactions aside from sex, and I have to explain to them that the best sex doesn’t start in the bedroom.
Yes, there are couples out there who are able to “flip the switch” and basically turn on the bonfire in a matter of minutes, but for the majority of couples, sexual desire is like a slow burn - gradually building up throughout the day. In fact, Dr. John Gottman, world renowned therapist and expert on relationships backed by over four decades of research on couples, has found that couples who have amazing sex lives do the following 13 things (2021, February 3):
These couples say “I love you” honestly, and daily. It might feel like your love is obvious so why do you need to say it all the time? Your partner is not a mind reader. Even though they probably do know that you love them, hearing it said out loud feels really good.
These couples kiss each other passionately, just because. Imagine you come home from work and your partner’s face lights up when they see you. They run over and lay a passionate kiss on you unexpectedly. It’s not a little peck on the lips; a perfunctory kiss that feels more like an unconscious habit than a choice, it’s a kiss with potential, and it makes you feel desired.
These couples surprise each other with romantic gifts. Everyone’s idea of a romantic gift is different. Your partner might appreciate roses, or lingerie. They might prefer tickets to a show or something homemade. You probably know your partner better than anyone else and can figure out what they would appreciate most. If you really don’t know, ask your partner and remember what they say!
These couples know their partner’s turn ons and turn offs. When couples in my office don’t know what turns their partner on or off sexually, it’s a pretty big red flag. This is such a vital part of having a healthy sex life! For some couples, the answer is unknown because they don’t know what their own turn ons/offs are, so they can’t let their partner know. I always encourage my clients to become intimately aware of and in-tune with their own bodies, desires, and likes/dislikes when it comes to sexuality, touch, and arousal.
These couples use physical affection and PDAs to show love. When you’re walking down the street with you partner, do they hold your hand? Do you kiss each other good morning and good night every day? When you’re out to dinner with family or friends, does your partner caress your leg under the table? Do you lean into it, or do you push them away? People are comfortable with different levels of physical affection in public. This is something you and your partner should talk about and be sure you agree to what you both feel comfortable with doing. The point is that you are intentional about showing physical affection to your partner throughout the day.
These couples are playful with each other. When I go to the beach with my family, my husband likes to sneak up behind me in the water and grab me around my waist. I always scream, and we always laugh. Find moments to act silly with your partner. Laugh! Be goofy and carefree. Adults are weighed down all the time with so much stress, worry, and responsibility. Allow yourself to let go of some of that in your relationship and just be playful.
These couples cuddle with each other. Sure, it’s a hotter than hot August and spooning at night doesn’t always sound enjoyable because you and your partner are drenched in sweat. So have a little cuddle fest on the couch after dinner instead! Lean into your partner when they’re next to you and put your arms around them. Or just take of your clothes and spoon naked.
These couples prioritize sex. Have you heard about scheduling sex? It doesn’t sound very sexy, but here’s why it might work: Scheduling sex can give you something to look forward to and ensures that you have dedicated time for your partner, without distractions or other responsibilities. Even if you don’t schedule sex, talking to your partner about the importance of sex in your relationship and agreeing that you will make time for it (and then sticking to your agreement) demonstrates that your sex life is a priority for both of you.
These couples are great friends. When you think about the people in your life who you consider your closest friends, is your partner on that list? Can they say the same about you? The initial excitement and chemistry experienced during the honeymoon phase of a relationship wanes over time. Afterwards, the strength of the friendship that remains is essentially what keeps that relationship going. Friendship with your partner is something that will need continuous tending to and is the foundation of trust and commitment in your romantic relationship.
These couples are comfortable discussing sex with each other. If you aren’t comfortable talking about your sex life or using the words to describe exactly what you like or dislike during sex, it is unlikely that you will be able to have the kind of sex you actually want. A lot of people struggle with saying words like vagina, clitoris, penis, perineum, nipples, etc. If these words feel uncomfortable to you, practice saying them out loud to yourself until they become just as benign as head, shoulders, knees, and toes. Once you can say them without blushing and laughing, you can tell you partner very clearly and confidently, “I love when you pinch my nipples while you kiss me.” I promise, your partner will appreciate and maybe even be turned on by your direct feedback.
These couples go out on weekly dates. “Weekly?!” you say in disbelief. I get it. In a time when we are all so overwhelmed with the workload, parenting, appointments, and all the other things that consume every day, a weekly date seems impossible! Here’s the thing though; a date doesn’t have to be some big event. It can literally be an hour of one-on-one time after the kids go to bed where you and your partner cuddle on the patio and drink a glass of wine together. It can be a quick meet up for ice-cream and some kissing over your lunch break. Really, it’s just time that you are intentionally connecting with one another and setting aside the other responsibilities in your life. Put the phones away! Leave the shop talk for another day. Do not talk about the kids. Just enjoy being with each other and connecting.
These couples take romantic vacations together. Again, I get it. The idea of a romantic vacation probably sounds like a pipe dream. Who has the time and money!? Listen, it doesn’t have to be an exotic trip to Greece… although that sounds amazing. Maybe your romantic vacation is a weekend in wine country or just one night together in an Air B&B at the beach. It’s really about being intentional about prioritizing your relationship and your connection with your partner. If you still can’t get away at this point in your life, even for one night, that’s ok! Talking with your partner about your future romantic vacation, even just in this fantasy stage, is a really good start.
These couples turn toward each other, instead of away. Turning toward one another is when you respond to your partner’s bid for connection in a positive way. A bid can be subtle - a smile, a passing glance or touch, or more complex - asking for advice, reaching for an embrace, or an attempt to engage in conversation. Gottman’s research on married couples found that couples who last turn toward one another 86% of the time, whereas those who divorce only turn toward these bids for connection about 33% of the time (Brittle, 2002, May 9). What do you think your percentage is? Would your partner agree?
Partners who are intentional about connecting with one another physically, and emotionally over and over again create an atmosphere of love, trust, connection, and, yes, desire. So those “flip the switch” couples who ignite a sexual bonfire might appear to some to have an amazing sex life, but that kind of sex - all physical with very little emotional connection, is neither long lasting nor even all that fulfilling. The very best sex fulfills you, body, mind, and soul, and it starts with the little things each and every day that you and your partner do to show love, affection, and appreciation for one another.
If you and your partner feel like you could use some improvement in this area, ask for help! There is no better time to start working on your relationship and improving your sex life than right now. If you’re in California, feel free to contact me for a consultation. I’d be happy to talk to you and your partner about your concerns and needs, and get you started on your path to the best sex and love of your life.
Brittle, Z. (2022, May 9). Turn towards instead of away. The Gottman Institute. Retrieved August 25, 2022, from https://www.gottman.com/blog/turn-toward-instead-of-away/
Gottman, J. (2021, February 3). Building a great sex life is not rocket science. The Gottman Institute. Retrieved August 24, 2022, from https://www.gottman.com/blog/building-great-sex-life-not-rocket-science/