Taking the Positive Perspective
As a couples therapist, I like to read and listen to talks by the leading experts in my field. A while ago I listened to a talk by Dr. John Gottman (a personal favorite, and the man who developed Gottman Method Couples Therapy) on taking the positive perspective in our relationships. Dr. Gottman talked about how people live in a perpetual state of mild annoyance, and it really struck me how true that is! Think about it; someone cuts you off on the freeway, another person snakes your parking spot in the Costco parking lot, your kid has an epic meltdown in the middle of Target, or Starbucks ran out of your favorite flavored syrup, and after that every little thing just gets on your nerves. I’m just as guilty of this as anyone else! In fact, the human brain is wired to focus on negative events (Estroff Marano, 2003, June 20). But here’s the problem; the more you focus on the negative, the more your brain will naturally look for and notice the negative! It’s called Negativity Bias, and it’s a vicious cycle.
So, what does this look like in your romantic relationship? Imagine little frustrating things keep happening throughout the day, and you come home in an annoyed state. Then your partner walks in the door and they leave their dirty shoes laying on the rug instead of putting them away. If you’re already living in this negative state of mind this might really set you off, and chances are you’re not going to react in a very positive manner. Maybe for you this looks like icing them out and giving them the silent treatment. Maybe you react by yelling or making a passive aggressive comment. Maybe you pick up the shoes and throw them into the closet furiously, scaring the crap out of your cat in the meantime. People react in all sorts of ways, and none of them are very pretty or helpful.
I’m not saying you should completely ignore all negative events and never let anything bother you. Not only is that unrealistic, but it’s also advocating for toxic positivity. What I am suggesting is that you also become very intentional about noticing the positive. What does that look like? Well, maybe your partner left their shoes on the rug, but they also gave you a really spectacular kiss when they came home. They might not be as bothered as you are about the sink full of dirty dishes, but while those dishes sit there unwashed, your partner is choosing to spend their time actively listening to you with compassion and support while you vent about your shitty day. When we become intentional about noticing these positive things instead of only seeing the negative it can make a profound impact on our mental state and greatly improve our romantic relationship.
Dr. John Gottman talks about the importance of the 5:1 ratio in our relationships; for every one negative interaction, we need to have at least five positive interactions for us to maintain a happy relationship with our partner (Benson, 2002, August 8). When this happens, we are in a state of “positive sentiment override” (PSO). If the ratio changes and there are fewer positives, we move to a state of “negative sentiment override”, (NSO), which as we know, fuels our brain to notice more negative events and is really difficult to escape. But when we become really intentional about taking the positive perspective; noticing those positive interactions so we can exist in this beautiful state of positive sentiment override with our partner, we are actively making room in our relationship for appreciation, trust, connection, and intimacy.
When I work with couples, this is something I look for. Are my couples noticing the positive interactions in their relationship? Are they turning toward one another and accepting bids for connection? Are they affectionate with one another, and do they repair after arguments? Or, are they living in NSO?
If you feel like this might be something you could work on in your relationship, I encourage you to keep a journal. Write down the positive things your partner does for you no matter how small. Make sure you are contributing as well! I hope that by doing this exercise you are able to shift your focus to the positive perspective and bring a new energy into your romantic relationship.
Benson, K. (2022, August 8). The magic relationship ratio, according to science. The Gottman Institute. Retrieved August 14, 2022, from https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-magic-relationship-ratio-according-science/
Estroff Marano, H. (2003, June 20). Our Brain's Negative Bias. Psychology Today. Retrieved August 14, 2022, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/200306/our-brains-negative-bias
