The Myth of Childhood Resilience: Lies We Tell Ourselves, and What We Can Do About It
How many times have you heard the phrase “children are resilient”? This is a common viewpoint in our society; often used to reassure parents that their child will be alright after experiencing a traumatic event. But is it true? The research suggests otherwise.
As parents, our instinct is to keep our children safe from all harm, pain, and loss. It’s agonizing to envision our precious little ones experiencing anything negative, but we also know it is impossible to protect them from everything. Violence, bullying, poverty, global pandemics, divorce, neglect, abuse, death of a loved one, maternal/paternal mental health problems, familial instability, etc.; children are exposed to so many little and big traumas.
Something that always struck me as strange is how we treat adults and children so differently. When an adult experiences the death of a loved one, we are quick to offer comfort, allow them to mourn, offer support and help, follow up with them and listen as they share their grief with us. If they don’t express their feelings outwardly, we don’t just assume they are ok, but rather that they are hurting inside and just aren’t ready to talk about it. However, when a child experiences this same loss, we are quick to rush them through the grieving process and breathe a sigh of relief when they don’t express their emotions, while reassuring ourselves that “children are resilient”.
But a lack of outward emotional demonstration doesn’t mean that the child was not affected. It means they are learning how to regulate their emotions. Since children have a limited capacity to cope with their emotions, they often “shut them off” to prevent overload. A child who does not rage, scream, cry or completely lose it after experiencing trauma is not “fine” and “resilient”, they are coping in the only way they know how. You see that this is true when you look at research on the long-term effects of trauma. Childhood trauma is a risk factor for psychosis (Bendall, Jackson, Hulburt, & McGorry, 2011), PTSD (De Bellis & Zisk, 2014) health issues such as heart disease, asthma, diabetes, depression, and relationship issues later in life (Morin, 2019), among other things. Children are not any more resilient than adults, and actually, they may be less resilient because they do not have the same skills and resources that adults have to cope with trauma.
So why do we keep lying to ourselves? Because it’s easier to say “children are resilient” than to say “my actions/decisions/failures, etc. impact my child and have intentionally or unintentionally caused them trauma”. This is the point where many parents will act as if the traumatic event never happened, because if their child is “fine”, why rehash everything and possibly make it worse? The problem is that this leaves the child feeling alone with their emotions and lacking guidance on how to process them in a healthy way.
Children, especially very young children, communicate with behavior not words. Your five year old will probably not come right out and say “I feel really scared of being in the car now because I saw that car crash last week.” Instead, you might notice them suddenly wetting the bed at night, fighting with their siblings more, or having frequent outbursts at the dinner table. They might start sharing physical complaints like tummy aches or headaches that can’t be explained. When the child is not given the time and space in which to process their trauma with a safe and supportive adult, they will not learn how to handle those big feelings and regulate their emotions.
However, just because we can’t protect our children from the world does not mean we are helpless. The best thing we can do for our children is provide the opportunities and the safety for them to process their feelings about the trauma they experienced. This looks different for every family and every situation. Don’t wait for your child to tell you how they feel (they probably won’t). Bring it up yourself. Depending on the age of your child, you might be direct (like with a teenager), you might talk about how it impacted you, and normalize the feelings (like with a grade-schooler), or you might use stuffed animals to play out a scenario with your child and let the stuffies show and work through their feelings (like with a pre-schooler). It can also be helpful to seek the support of an experienced therapist for your child, especially if you are having a difficult time coping with your own emotions.
The point is, we need to stop ignoring a child’s experience and simply telling ourselves that they are resilient because it’s what feels easier for us. We can help our children build resiliency, but only if we are willing to put in the work, feel the discomfort, and teach them how. Help your child process their trauma now, so that they don’t have to process it in therapy 20 years from now. If you and your partner are struggling to cope after trauma and you feel that it is keeping you from supporting your child, or if you are an adult looking for help with some unresolved childhood trauma, I encourage you to reach out! I use a trauma informed approach to work with both couples and individuals, and I’d be honored to help you in this process.
Bendall, S., Jackson, H. J., Hulbert, C. A., & McGorry, P. D. (2011). Childhood trauma and psychosis: An overview of the evidence and directions for clinical interventions. Family Matters, 89, 53-60.
De Bellis, M. D., & Zisk, A. (2014). The biological effects of childhood trauma. Child and adolescent psychiatric clinics of North America, 23(2), 185–vii. doi:10.1016/j.chc.2014.01.002
Morin, A. (2019). The effects of childhood trauma. VeryWellMind. Retrieved from https://www.verywellmind.com/what-are-the-effects-of-childhood-trauma-4147640
