Toxic and Intoxicating
“He would destroy me… and I would fucking love it.”
It’s a common theme in books, movies, and the media. There’s something irresistibly sexy about “bad boys”. I don’t just mean the ones that look a little dangerous, but the ones who are emotionally unsafe. The ones who don’t always treat us well, who keep us on our toes, who give a little and take a lot.
In my therapy practice in Pasadena, I’ve seen both sides of this relationship dynamic; working with both the “toxic” partner, as well as the one who can’t seem to resist them. The question I get from the latter, is always, “Why do I keep falling for these guys?!” And it’s not only women, falling for emotionally unavailable men. Plenty of men struggle with this as well; frustrated with their attraction to toxic women but unable to find a satisfying connection with a “safe” partner.
Often times, the addictive nature of these relationships is further complicated by the seemingly superior quality of sex. Clients of mine frequently describe their sex lives with a toxic partner as “intense, addicting, passionate”, and “the best I’ve ever had”, yet they also express feelings of shame and self judgement that “safe partners” just don’t do it for them in the same way. Many of these individuals find that sex is the only way they feel truly loved by their toxic partner. For them, sex is validation of their attractiveness, desirability and worth. With the “safe” partner, those feelings are there regardless.
For so many people, the push and pull dynamic; the “I love you, now get away from me” routine becomes intoxicating, and there’s a very real biological explanation for why we get so addicted. Intermittent rewards (inconsistent attention) create dopamine spikes in the brain. Dopamine is the reward chemical that gives us a high. The unpredictable nature of a partner who is emotionally unavailable affects our brain in the same way that gambling or drug use does. This intermittent reward pattern becomes addicting. An emotionally safe partner who is consistent with their expressions of love and attention, doesn’t make our dopamine spike in the same way as an emotionally unavailable or inconsistent partner does.
Our early childhood experiences can also inform our romantic relationships. An individual who had to work for their parent’s love and attention, experienced abandonment, or emotional bread-crumbing, might find that even the tiniest bit of attention from an emotionally abusive or unavailable partner feels familiar, and exciting. They will settle for the bare minimum when it comes to love, and accept far more mistreatment than many would, because the attention feels like a drug. There’s something about those emotional highs and lows that make them feel alive.
It’s easy to understand the pull of this toxic relationship dynamic, but not as easy to get out of it. So what can be done? Therapy is an essential step for healing. There are a variety of ways a therapist can help, including looking at your attachment styles and early attachment experiences, as well as doing inner child or parts work. If you’re looking for help to understand why you keep falling for these kinds of partners, and get out of the toxic dynamic, let’s set up a free 15 minute consultation for therapy. I’d love to help you work through the “why” and move forward into a space that feels healthy, safe, and fulfilling.
