“Am I Normal?”: Removing Shame from Kinky Sex
What comes to mind when you hear the phrase “normal sex”? What about “kinky sex”? The answers to these questions will vary drastically depending on who you ask. Kink refers to sexual acts that are deemed unconventional, such as spanking, bondage, role play, group sex, voyeurism, exhibitionism, power play, use of sex toys, and other acts. Although sexual kink, has become more mainstream in recent years, some people still view kink as abnormal. But who determines what is “normal”? In reality, much of what mainstream society considers to be kink is actually well within the normal sexual practices of many adults. This view of normal sexual acts as “kink”, can create shame and stigma around a healthy expression of human sexuality.
Studies on sex show tremendous diversity in preferences, behaviors, and attitudes. For one, as education level increases, openness to sexual experimentation does as well (Copen, et al.,2016). A national study of women ages 18-60 showed that 52.5% of women use a vibrator (Herbenik et al., 2009). And the most common erotic fantasy among couples is sex with someone else (Castleman, 2018, October 1). Something else to consider, is that sexual norms change over time. What was considered kinky a decade ago is considered mainstream today. Lingerie was once considered a fetish (Christina, 2012) but today, nobody bats an eye at a woman buying lace undergarments. Yet society continues to stigmatize and portray normal sexual exploration as taboo, leading to shame and insecurity.
One of the issues that comes up frequently in my work as a couples therapist in Pasadena, is the disparity in sexual preferences between partners. Sometimes that difference is related to frequency of sex, sometimes it’s related to specific sexual acts. One of my couples struggled with this issue when the wife shared that she was interested in mutual anal play (something 40% of Americans have experienced by age 50 (Castleman, 2018, October 1)), but the husband felt that it was “wrong” and “too kinky”. This opened up a dialogue about each partner’s perceptions about sex, masculinity and femininity, gender roles, and psychoeducation on human anatomy. In the end, each of them was better able to understand their partner’s feelings and boundaries, and they found a compromise that felt right to both of them.
A healthy view of sexuality involves respecting individual preferences and boundaries, and prioritizing consent and communication. This means that all sexual activities should be consensual, and all parties involved should feel comfortable and safe. As long as the partners have communicated, feel safe, and are consenting adults, the freedom to explore and experiment with their sexuality should not be limited by societal expectations of “normal sex”.
Do you or your partner struggle with this? If shame about “kinky sex” is getting in the way of you experiencing the kind of sexual intimacy you desire, I encourage you to talk about it! I love working with couples to overcome these obstacles and help them get back on track in the bedroom. If you’re in California, feel free to contact me for a consultation.
Castleman, M. (2018, October 1). Fact: "unconventional" sex is actually very common. Psychology Today. Retrieved March 23, 2023, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/all-about-sex/201810/fact-unconventional-sex-is-actually-very-common
Christina, E. (2012). The book of kink: Sex beyond the missionary. Perigee.
Copen, C. E. (2016). Sexual Behavior, Sexual Attraction, and Sexual Orientation Among Adults Aged18-44 in the United States: Data from the 2011-2013 National Survey of Family Growth. National Health Statistics Report, 7.
Herbenick, D., Reece, M., Sanders, S., Dodge, B., Ghassemi, A., & Fortenberry, J. D. (2009). Prevalence and characteristics of vibrator use by women in the United States: results from a nationally representative study. The Journal of Sexual Medicine, 6(7), 1857–1866. doi:10.1111/j.1743-6109.2009.01318.x
