When Parenting Differences Create Conflict
There’s no escaping it; at some point we are going to disagree with our parenting partners. Parenting is a uniquely challenging task because, of all the roles we play in our lives, parenting is one in which the stakes are the highest. We are responsible for not only keeping these little humans alive, but we must help them thrive and grow into well adjusted, healthy, successful individuals who care about others, have a solid sense of self, and aren’t complete assholes. No pressure though! *Cue the sarcastic eye roll. Seriously though, being a good parent is REALLY hard. So, it can feel especially challenging when we don’t feel like we’re on the same page as our partner.
There are dozens of factors that play a role in the way each of us parents our children such as our own upbringing, ethnicity and culture, societal norms, socioeconomic status and access to resources. The combination of each of these factors and others help determine what kind of parents we are, and no two people are exactly the same. As a Couples Therapist in Pasadena I work with a lot of couples who struggle with conflict due to differences in parenting approaches. Sometimes one parent is seen as “too permissive” and the other as “too strict”, or one parent feels as though the parenting load is not equally distributed and this leads to resentment. Most of the time there is conflict due to different approaches to handling tantrums, back talk, and sleeping issues. Whatever the conflict is, my clients often turn to me for parenting support because parenting is stressful and let’s be real; nobody really knows the “right” way to do it. Added to the inherent stress that comes with being a parent is the exhaustion that comes with trying to reparent ourselves and end the cycle of intergenerational trauma. This sometimes feels like a full time job. If we have the perception that our parenting partner is not ALSO investing the same time and effort as we are, it can leave us feeling angry, resentful, and less open and loving towards them.
So what do you do when the difference in how you parent creates conflict between you and your partner?
First of all, take a pause. If you’re about to jump into a heated situation and you feel your adrenaline pumping or your irritability spiking, you’re probably not in the best state to work peacefully at finding a resolution. Once you are able to address things in a calm and rational manner, you can talk to your partner about the issue.
Next, get curious. Before you jump to conclusions, get curious about why your partner is acting in such a way. Hopefully you and your partner have had conversations about your respective upbringings and how each of your parents handled discipline, showed love, allowed for emotions, and navigated difficult conversations. If you haven’t, why not? This is the key to understanding the foundation of your partner’s way of parenting, so start talking! Having a thorough understanding of your partner’s past is important for empathizing with them but it’s not the only piece of the puzzle, so ask them openly what it is they are trying to achieve and really listen to their words and also the underlying feeling. When you ask questions and genuinely try to understand their point of view rather than pointing fingers or criticizing, your partner will probably be more open to hearing your side of things as well.
Now turn your curiosity inward. Why are you so sure that your way is the best way? Why is it so important to you that this situation is handled in a certain manner? Sometimes this self reflection doesn’t give us a clear answer because it has more to do with our ego and wanting to be “right” more than anything. If this is the case, perhaps there is space for compromise and accepting our partner’s influence.
Now that you’ve asked the right questions of your partner and yourself, be willing to compromise. None of us are perfect parents, and none of us truly know the RIGHT way to do this. We’re all just doing our best. So if your partner feels very strongly about something that isn’t quite as important to you, let it go. Each of you will feel so much more connected and on the same page if you allow for some give and take. The ability to accept your partner’s influence is one of the hallmarks of a successful relationship (Smyth, 2021, March 17). Being willing to compromise or accept your partner’s point of view doesn’t mean you have to agree with it, but it does mean that you value your relationship over being “right”.
Here’s the thing… your partner may not do things exactly like you do, or even in the way you think they should, but at the end of the day, you are both working towards the same goal; doing your best for your kids. If you always keep this in mind, it’s much easier to work through parenting conflicts together and find some common ground. If you or your partner are struggling with parenting or they ways in which you approach it and you want some support, reach out! If you’re in California, I’d love to offer you a free 15 minute consultation. Parenting is HARD, and I’m here to help.
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*NOTE: The information above is general information for typical, safe family relationships, and does NOT apply to situations of abuse. If you suspect your partner is abusing your children, please contact your local authorities or reach out to one of the hotlines below.
National Child Abuse Hotline
1-800-4-A-CHILD (422-4453)
California Department of Social Services
RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network)
1-800-656-HOPE (4673)
RAINN | The nation's largest anti-sexual violence organization
Smyth, S. (2021, March 17). Accepting influence: Find ways to say "yes". The Gottman Institute. Retrieved April 13, 2023, from https://www.gottman.com/blog/accepting-influence-find-ways-to-say-yes/
