Is there really a wrong way to apologize? Turns out, there is. Think back to the last time someone apologized to you. Did it feel sincere? Did it seem like they took accountability, or was it somehow lacking? I’m sharing a few quick tips on how to deliver a proper apology because even the best of us sometimes need a little help.

As a Therapist in Pasadena I've heard what a poorly delivered apology sounds like and seen the way it affects my clients. I've also heard some really good apologies. Here's how to spot the difference between a great apology and one that misses the mark.

1) Leave your but out of it. An apology with conditions is not an apology at all. If you say “I'm sorry I yelled but you weren't listening to me”, you aren't actually apologizing. You’re placing blame on someone else for your poor behavior. Not only are your actions yours alone, adding a conditional phrase to the end of your apology negates the apology entirely. You might as well not say anything. The “no buts” rule extends to justifications. Trying to justify your words or actions after saying you’re sorry gives the impression that you aren’t actually remorseful.

2) Don’t say if. “If” implies that their experience may not be real. When your partner says “It really hurt my feelings when you said I was acting like a baby after I shared my frustration over work.” and you respond with “I'm sorry if you got your feeling hurt.” you are essentially invalidating their experience. They just told you they got their feelings hurt, so using the word “if”, as though they might NOT have felt that way will leave them feeling invalidated and hurt even further.

3) Be sure your words and tone of voice are congruent. An apology that is delivered in an insincere tone can come off as condescending and insulting. If don't truly feel sorry, it will show. Sometimes we aren't ready to apologize and that's ok! There’s nothing wrong with taking some time to process things first. Just make sure to come back to it when you’re ready to apologize from the heart.

So what does a great apology sound like?

A great apology is actually really simple in theory. The most difficult part is setting aside your ego; your intense desire to be right. It requires integrity and humility which is hard for some of us. It’s especially hard to give a great apology if this wasn’t modeled to you as a child. Many of us grew up in families where the parents took on the role of authority figure; they were always right, and there was no space to question them. And because they were “always right”, they had nothing to apologize for. Even when they should have. The thing is, nobody is always right.

A great apology requires four simple elements:

1) Empathy - Try to understand the other person’s experience. This requires listening skills and putting aside your desire to be right.

2) Specificity - “I’m really sorry I yelled at you. I know it scared you when I did.” This is different than “I’m sorry for what happened” which is a vague statement and doesn’t show that you accept responsibility.

3) Acknowledgement of the wrongdoing - “It was wrong of me to take out my feelings on you. You don’t deserve to be treated that way.”

4) A promise to do better - “Next time I feel angry I’m going to take a break and calm down instead of allowing myself to explode like that.” And just as important as saying you’ll do better, is actually following through.

Apologizing the right way is an important life skill. We need to be able to use it with our partners, our children, our co-workers, our family members, and our friends. If we’re lucky, we learn how to do this in childhood from parents who model it for us. For the rest of us, it’s something we have to learn as adults, and it takes time and practice. So, now that you know how to deliver a proper apology, where do you stand? Have you got it down, or do you need some practice?