When couples tell me they “never argue”, it’s a huge red flag. But wait, isn’t that a sign of a good relationship? Actually, NO. When couples tell me they never argue, what I hear is “we don’t communicate”. As a Couples Therapist, I’m constantly assessing the ways in which my clients communicate with one another and believe me I’ve seen some really great communication styles and some really bad ones. In our culture there is a very inaccurate story we tell that arguments are a sign of a bad relationship. This simply isn’t true. Conflict is inevitable in all relationships. This only starts to become a problem if one of two things happen: the couple fights with one another in a very unhealthy and counterproductive way (think stonewalling, name calling, threats, violence, etc.), or the couple refuses to address the issue which leads to resentment, distrust, unhappiness, and eventually, the likely dissolution of the relationship.

Part of my work with couples involves teaching them healthy ways to handle conflict in the relationship when it arises. One of the most transformative practices they learn is how to successfully navigate the aftermath of an argument. All of us mess up. We say things that are hurtful, we act without thinking, we are human! But the couples who are successful in their relationship are not the ones who never argue, they are the ones who are able to repair after an argument (Gottman & Silver, 1999). Here are the five steps to repair that I teach all of my couples:

1. Schedule time to address a difficult issue rather than just springing it on your partner - “I really want to talk about the issue from this morning. Is this a good time for you?” If your partner says no, follow up with an alternative time - “Ok, how about tonight after dinner?” By giving your partner some control over when they talk about an issue, you’re allowing them to formulate their thoughts and self-regulate so they can have a more calm, open discussion and be responsive rather than reactive.

2. Use “I” statements and clarify your need - “I feel very attacked right now. Can you try saying that in a different way, so it sounds less aggressive?” Notice the difference between “I feel very attacked right now”, an expression of how you’re feeling, and “You’re attacking me right now”, which points the finger. Clarifying your need after the “I” statement - “Can you try saying that in a different way, so it sounds less aggressive?” helps your partner understand exactly what they can do so that you can really hear them in that moment.

3. Use active listening and validate your partner’s experience. When you’re using active listening, you are setting aside your own agenda. You’re listening to your partner to hear and really understand where they are coming from. You want to try to put yourself in their shoes and imagine what they are experiencing. This is completely different than listening to what they say so that you can come up with a really good rebuttal. Think about the last time you tried to share something with your partner. Did they seem like they were really listening? Did they really understand you? Or did it feel like they were just dying to respond and have the last word? What did that feel like for you?

4. Take accountability and apologize. Nothing takes an argument from bad to worse faster than a partner who refuses to take ownership of the part they played. Sometimes admitting you were wrong is painful. You might experience feelings of shame, fear, anxiety, or anger. The thing you have to ask yourself in these moments is, “what is more important; my relationship, or my ego?”

5. Re-affirm your love. After a conflict, emotions are high. Our nervous systems are shot and we can be left with a lot of uncertainty or feelings of instability. Even the most secure couples might feel an uncomfortable “distance” between themselves and their partner. Say “I love you”. Connect physically with a hug or touch. This is such a small thing but taking the time to intentionally re-affirm your love can go a long way towards healing the relationship and strengthening your emotional connection.

Do you feel like you and your partner could use a little more support? I am currently accepting new clients at my practice in Pasadena, California for in-person and online sessions. Book a free consultation with me to start. Let’s get you back on track and help you reconnect with one another.

Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert. Harmony.